Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
