Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize