maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
