Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
