Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
