fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
