he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
