If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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