She went from zero to smokin in five shots
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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