i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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