The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
