Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
