You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
