It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish I only lived at night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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