i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
