You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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