Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize