Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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