He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
