having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
