i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
