Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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