at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
