there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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