i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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