i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you will always have a special place in my vag
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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