I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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