I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
