FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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