How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
