Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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