I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
