She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
