I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
