I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
