so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
