my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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