I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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