No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You left your phone here
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