I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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