I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
