I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
