tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
