My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize