I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
