Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
