Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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