My nipple is on Facebook.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
