Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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