woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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