Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
