I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
