You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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