I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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