: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
