Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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