That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
