Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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